So I went to the library today. Books are mysterious. You can't really tell who people are by what they read, but you can tell what their innermost thoughts which drew them to a certain book.
I checked out JavaScript for Dummies. Finished the HTML book and am progressing on to greater heights with this webpage making business. Maya Angelou in pictures. She came to our university and some people got to see her give a lecture. Watership Down on tape. My mind's going to the bunnies.
The Dance of Anger. One of those self-help books I try not to get. Sometimes my mom just trys to tick me off. Then she laughs about it. The irony is that she doesn't herself know that she does this, so she feels innocent. So I'm basically with this big, willful child whom I cannot control for the life of me who's belligerently questioning and critizing me. We end up afraid of each other's shadows.
Lastly, a novel, Ben, In the World, and Love Poems. Going on about my mom, she's has a carefully crafted vision of herself as perfect. She often points out other people whom she wishes I were like. She says she hates me, Megan. She doesn't really exist. Do you understand what I mean by that? Like the person who is evil, crude and childish in her doesn't really exist. Like it's her fallback person that she becomes when things don't go well. She becomes a solid, unclimbable wall, an unpentatrable fortress.
So I hate her. And I believe it's unhealthy to hate others, at least for long periods of time. At the most, I don't trust her. It's frustrating, because I don't want my world to consist of the love-hate relationship I have with my mother. But her relationship with me takes up her whole world. It fills it and expands my every move out of proportion, making me the target of critisism.
I know I could do better. I know I could garner her respect and love by being better than I am. I cannot do that without other people around me who give respect. There are times where I cannot stand being who I am. That's when I turn to Maya. And love poems. And the Tao-Te-Ching. And calling friends. And buying flowers, even though I cannot afford them. I am a mess and I feel like my mother makes me a garbage dump instead of embracing my differences, she must judge and critize and burn me until I am nothing but ashes.
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2 comments:
you should read the art of war because frankly you are at war and you need help. "if you know yourself and your enemy you should fear the out come of a hundred battles... if you know nether yourself nor your enemy, you you will know only defeat." if you know what she is doing then why do you react? im not saying that you have to take her shit or anything like that also hand to hand combat is unwise. i get the feeling that this has a lot to do with control and the lack there of. things happen in life that you cant control but so what. thats life. If you dont take control of your own life then someone else will and you will not like the results. if you are the center of her world then you have a say in that world. how do you see yourself? and be honest with your self and dont go off what others say. i would like to hear your answer. I know how i see you but sometimes i wounder if that is truely you i dont think you've been honey with yourself. you can not change (fix) your mother nor can she do that to you. if you to cant figure out how to love each other then your relationship is doomed and this will effect all you relationships. sorry if this is just ramblings it 3:30am also i tried to get you to come with us to see maya and you can pick flowers near your house for free
Honesty helps a lot. What to do when someone is trying to hurt you and they are your main source of companionship? You're right, I probably am not being honest with myself.
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