Benizar Bhutto, again.

Bhutto was freed recently from house arrest. She believes the arrival of Deputy Secretary of State John Negroponte is the cause. He did speak out against the arrests of political figures and does stay abreast of the game by recommending to Musharaff that conditions are they are, are not conducive to democratic elections.

Democracy has no place in the hard black and white of the number crunch. Debts off my shoulders, I worry no more for them, for jobs are easier to get than I think. I just remember that money is but money is but money. Then forgetting my troubles by watching a last year's soap opera.

Hillary takes Iowa.

Hillary takes Iowa by storm, sending out messages through campaigning, advertisements and sending her husband to speak. These out of the way mainly rural states support is super important for winning the democratic vote.

Just like this, I remember I need to take my debt by storm. Zoom in, if I may. Take another look at how much I owe this awful world. Paying off debt may seem insignificant, but take another look. When we mature and get out of college and have a steady job, we end up with loans which are just another part of life. Home loans, student loans, car payments, all of the above. So they are an important part of becoming a responsible adult. We pay them regularly and effeciently. Life goes on.

Separate but Equal

Around the time of the Black Revolution, Freedom Fighters, Rosa Parks and all that, separate but equal were horrendous phrases. They stood for truly unequal circumstances and all that remained of thinking people were differnt just because of a few genetic variations.

Nowadays, however, I believe we should resurface separate but equal clause in the terms of relationships. We hate hearing that phrase. It hurts us to hear that we are different from any other person. But it has to be said. We are different. And in our relationships we should be treated differently.

I'm sure you've run across one or more of these people who believe everyone (but them) should be treated in the same way. They use the same tired phrases and words to describe everyone and everything.

Seeing that people can work together but not be carbon copies of each other helps. That each person is unique and individual and should be approached in a different way is helpful. Our relationships with others will improve as we take a step back from ourselves and realize we can't treat our friends the same way we treat our mother. We can't treat our dogs the same way we treat our babysitter. There is no one formula we can use to treat every person that is important to us.

Relationships mean work and if you're not willing to put in the effort, then the relationship will fall apart.

Bhutto Under House Arrest

Benizar Bhutto, former Pakistani Prime Minister came under house arrest today, after the suggestion of asking the general Pervez Musharraf to step down from his emergency rule. She says that the time
has come to decide to choose either a people or one man. Musharraf declares his rule is imperative to unify the government in skirmishes along the border with Afghanistan.

Like Benizar, I feel that time has come to choose either either myself or my debt. Just really who am I? So abandoning my job at Chuck E. Cheese and trusting to the fates or muses as the case may be, I venture into the world of writing. This road promises to be a rocky one, but my fingers typing furiously on the keyboard, I will come to more experience and hopefully wisdom about life.

Presidential Tweaks

Hillary has been blasted for "planting" questions among students to ask at various Q and A sessions. Edwards says, he would answer questions that were asked. So are democrats attacking democrats? Is it because she's a woman? Are we already having dirty politics this soon in the game? Maybe Clinton could stop planting questions. She insults our intelligence with her planted questions, as if we would not know when the wool is being pulled over our eyes.

Not letting us ask our own questions, speaks to the candidate not being prepared to have a ready answer, or not knowing her issues enough to speak out.

Knowing this type of planting now will give indications of future presidental debacles to come, so stay tuned.

The number 8

Nothing special about the number 8, except it is the last ball to go into the slots when playing pool. There is nothing special about it, except some people consider it lucky. It's that ball that you're playing for when getting rid of your debt. That's what you're aiming for, the last ball into the slot. If you can't get the other balls, fine, but when you're down to a tie, and it's the universe versus yourself, you can plainly see, that the number 8 is a very important number, indeed.

Treaties

Sometimes I wish it could be like the old days, where people were in serfdom and worked directly to pay off thier debts. Or in fairy tales where they wish their debts away. Either way, they were focusing too much on their problems.

Taking a step back and looking at the positives is the best way of reducing those worry lines. Soothing those backaches, and putting a positive spin on things. Releasing those fears could be a way to have what seems to be a big burden, be changed into something small.

Debts paid.

Paid off two debts yesterday. UT Southwestern and Dr. Dave.

Paying off one of my debts, is satisfying if nothing.

Stuck.

What do you do with an ostrich who sticks it's head in the sand? Drown it so the sand is washed away? Convince it with strange words and reasonings, Probably the best option is to ignore it. I personally have never seen an ostrich with it's head in the sand. Maybe it's an old wife's tale.

Peacocks are interesting birds, too. The males are the colorful ones and dress up, while the females are dowdy and quiet and demure.

What do bird's have to do with debt? If you make chicken feed, you don't have any eggs to count before they hatch.

Almost

Went to look at my pile of debts today, but refrained. The name of the game is ignorance. You just ignore your debts and they go away. At least temporarily. Perhaps not looking at them, keeps you from being so obssessed with them. Although they need to be paid they don't run your life.

Bills don't run your life. They are a part of life and they need to be taken care of like any other aspect, but they are not a huge all-encompassing gargantum creature who will devour you. They are simply an aspect.

That said...I'm only going to be able to pay my psychiatrist's bill and the hospital bill this month. But that's alright. Like I said, I'm pretty happy with the way things are.

Haiku #15

How small the world seems then
Compared to raspberry tea
And ice; I shan't complain.

Writer's Burnout

Writer's burnout is a serious malady complained of in writers. Similar to writer's block it happens when writers write all day and have no fruitful writings.

Symptoms include: dizziness, headache (from pounding head against the wall) hate towards all your writings, a burning sensation. Signs that your writer is suffering this condition are wadded up papers in the trash can and mixed up scribbling on whatever comes in handy: a tissue, napkins, toilet paper, you name it.

If you have writer's burnout, the cure is not to read other's writing as this may encourage a deeper depression than previously described above, but reminiscing in previously published items may help.

Bhutto and Behemoth

Benizar Bhutto is a major player in today's politics representing the Pakistani Peoples Party. In 1988, she became prime minister of Pakistan and promised more rights for women and a socialistic form of government. She served until 1990. She was unable to overcome the conservative forces inparliament, however.

She follows trends recent in America, Bush being the second in office, as her grandfather served as Pakistani prime minister and president in the 1970's. Her mother was also involved in the peoples party.

She won re-election in 1993 and served till 1996, when she was again dismissed from the government on allegations of corruption from her husband, Ali Asif Zardari

Recently she has been contacting the Musharraf government to clear her name. We
will see if the lady, now 52 will become involved in politics again and what role her husband will play, aseveryone's eyes are on Hillary Clinton, watching to see how the power couple interact in her bid for presidential election.

Behemoth...I now have a new schedule. Writing. Each day, a new task dawns: short stories, scholarships, novel writing, looking for online jobs, poetry, and forums. This is my story and I'm sticking to it, like Bhutto sticks to her claim that her husband is innocent. In her case, I would recommend, her husband pull his shenanigans out of her politics.

Shaky Returneth

Yes, I was dubbed "shaky" by myself, as I having no friends which would be interested. Thankfully, I don't measure out my life in coffee spoons. The shakiness has mainly gone away, however, and I'm thankful that the medicaiton was reduced. There's still a little tremor in my hands as they are held out from my body, but I can deal with a little shakiness.

How is paying my debt going?

I'm starting at Chuck E. Cheese this Saturday and Sunday.

And I've been making some egg money by writing articles. Not much by industry standards. $8 yesterday and $18 today, It's not much, but helps convince me I'm a writer and gives me something to keep me busy during the day. Averaged out it's about 3.83 per hour, a sad stipend. Maybe as I gain in speed, this type of writing can become more profitable.

So yeah.

Today it was a trip to the Physchiatrist. First visit after the hospital. I got to tell him about my shaking and loss of motor control. Imagine me, who's lifelihood depends on typing, being unable to type and having my whole body shaking in response to too much medicine. It's the way I feel about my debt. Out of control.

Thankfully we discussed it in full, and having reduced the dose, I feel I have some closure again. Some measure of control. Like with my jobs. Today I had a meeting with the manager and will resume my jobs starting Saturday. This gives me some measure of control over my debts.

I thank and praise God that this is all being worked out according to His plans.

Here I am.

I almost was out of debt, excepting the student loan I need to pay. And I did it again.

Went back to the hospital. There was no reason for it. My mom came in and suggested it and I decided to tag along. My days there were spent in group, realizing my "full potential." I think time would have been better spent at a writer's conference. Eating meals and racking up a bill of $3,100. Insane, I know. Besides that, I've still got a bill of $10,065.42 my greatist bill in student loans. The small fry are $100 to the Outpost Apartments, $113.00 to Dr. Dave, and $45.00 to the Dr. Wolff. That leaves me wiht 13,423.46 in debt.

I've got to get a job. Gave my schedule back to Kroger, so think I'm working there. Also crashed the party at Chunk E. Cheese, they have my doctor's note, maybe I'm going back to work there. They said they'd call me. I'm going to call them. Gotta find out if I'm on the schedule yet.

Anywho, love ya, Christ makes my problems seem all the smaller.

All Day

Today it's been looking at criag's list for a writing gig since 12 this morning. Lots of energy going towards finding an alternative source of income. When looking for writing jobs, don't knock any porential means of income unless you are sure you can't do the job. For example somethng as specific as two years of experience writing sports. You can take that one off the "list."

When looking for part time jobs make sure they are conviently located near your dwelling. This will make driving and even walking more convenient and open up your schedule. This will make traveling back and forth easier. Make sure you get at least one day off to rest and recuperate: this will make you feel better in the long run.

Attention: It's You and Me, Now.

When paying off massive amounts of debt, you may look at yourself and see a horrific monster (personlifying debt) at your side. It's just you and he, this scraggly-toothed demon of the red pen. What can you do but huddle by his side as light, love, and enjoying life are sucked from you, turning your surroundings into an abyss.

How to get out of the red pen area. Hard Work. My plan for getting out of debt are to throw myself into my writing and take up some part time jobs around the area. Just by knocking in a peg hole into the side of the abyss, you take back some of your power over the monster. And you created this mess your in so, don't say you have no power. There is always a way out. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

So don't let your monster have control over your life. It's yours and you can still enjoy it. If you're feeling extremely overwhelmed, just take a crisp, autumnal walk to clear your mind. It's refreshing, and most importantly, free!

Don't forget to love yourself. Work hard, but play hard, too.

The Awakening

We all have a space in time where the impossible becomes the possible and a new theme comes to life within the space of an instant.

We must remember not to forget friends and family in that instant. They are our anchor to reality. To let us forget them is to give away all that ties us to humanity. During the Enlightenment period, many philosophers died to themselves to bring us new information and a new way of doing things. To start picking up souvineers as if we were tourists is a way of connecting ourselves to the new places we've been.

So try a new path, be unregretting about the past, and give in to the dawning of a new day.

Giggles

I just discovered craigslist.com! How could a wonderful site like this go under my radar for so long? They have everything under the sun listed for your convinience. It's like I've hit the end of the rainbow and here's my pot of gold. And you can specify what area you are looking around. To whomever invented "the list," a thank you from me.

For a laugh read the personals. They give me the giggles.

Life Without

I haven't taken my meds for the second night running and I feel fine. Besides actually feeling. So have you ever seen Garden State? Where he decides not to take the drugs anymore? Well, everything just seems more beautiful and more deep. Like I feel like I have a greater appreciation for things without the medication. I feel more lonely. Which I think is good. Why should you stop feelings which for thousands of years have propigated the human race?
I miss my dad and wish my mom didn't still love my dad and deny it all the freakin' time. It's like the only person who can tell her that she's sad is herself. And she can't tell herself because she's in denial. And I think way too much about my mom and her feelings. What about my life?
Well, it's going well. The two job thing with freelance writing or marketing on the side may take some getting used to, but I'm handling it alright.
Oh, side-note - my mom doesn't know I'm not taking the meds, so keep it on the DL, alright peoples?

Return to Sender

Written 02/26/2007

My mother has impossible requests
"Hate your sister."
"Don't be like your father."
As if I could take away the apin
I desperately siphon
Into a car that is out of gas
When it rolls, and I with it, I rejoice
I, eye, that window to the
soul lies, "Pity me."
So I continue on the forged path
Cutting way through bramble
towards mythical golden cities,
happiness.
For her and for me,
Simple things,
Bread and butter and tea
Deocomposition, rendition
of all the poems I just read
backwards, coming out
to say "Hello" and answering
my mother's impossible requests
Managing them into lost cubby holes
Marked "Return to Sender."

Haiku #14

Blast of winter
From our air conditioner
Summer is here

The Update

It's with much guilt that I come back to my poor neglected blog: far from writing every day, I've been writing quite sporadically, trying to make up for lost time gradually. The truth is, I've been busier. Kroger and Chuck E. Cheese, but I feel that any excuse for not keeping my dear readers updated with the nitty-gritty of my life is no excuse at all.
Lately, I'm going to be even busier: I found that instead of the $200 I've been expecting out of my paycheck, I'll be receiving about $100. After all, I am but a lowly sacker. That means I either have to abandon my schedule or make up for lost monies. I choose the latter. So I e-mailed old Talia for some writing jobs and have been bidding on projects at www.getafreelancer.com. Yesterday I wrote some articles for $10, long way from my $130 I have to make up for this month. That'd about cover my library fine. However, I'm happy in the decision I've made and will expend every effort to accomplishment. If I can simply be done with my debt in July or August, I will be satisfied.

Haiku #13

Potatos eyes watch
customers buy Odwalla.
Hide in produce.

Life as a Dish

My life now consists of a main dish of Kroger with a side of Chuck E. Cheese. Probably Monday I'll call the nursing school counseler and make an appointment. Can't wait to figure out what classes I'll need. Since classes cost, and being discounted at Tarrant County College, I might go there for a bit of time.
Time is always ticking away, so I want to put my clock in perspective. I've figured it and at the rate I'm going I'll have paid off my debt by mid July and have reached my goal of a thousand dollars in savings by mid-August. There's a timeline. And like any good little boy or girl, I'll mark my progress by the chart. There's considerations such as doctors appointments so the schedule is elastic and flexible. There's room for an emergency. But I feel that this goal which I am working so hard towards, of being debt free is within my grasp. I can see it on paper and life, although consisting of work, is bittersweet.

Shopping Carts

Collusion of shopping carts
Gossiping about
How many groceries they've carried
That day.
Discussing the prices
Of steak and potatoes.

And the intimate habits of
Each customer.
How one snores and another has
a pet dog which
will only eat Fancy Feast.

And again, the employees,
How one thinks she's worked too long,
Again how this one can push 20 shopping carts in a row,
And he does,

Lined up like soldiers, awaiting battle,
Collusion of shopping carts is no more.

Video Camera

Life is like a video camera. We take snapshots, or memories in our head and review them at our convience. But life doesn't have to be you behind the camera all the time. Life requires our participation. Life requires our all the sporty genes we have. We must take time to appreciate and enjoy life in all it's bountiful goodness to us.
I'm sure you're wondering, where's all the money Megan is making in her new job? I had the same question. Well, it turns out the checks come the week after the work is done. So I'll be in the money next week, with my paycheck with Chuck E. Cheese. That's what you would think, right? However, $105 of that money is going to pay my student loans and the rest to paying the University next month. They say that crime doesn't pay, well neither does insanity. If but for that reason, I'm not going to try anything again.
So enjoying life's bountiful goodness with my jobs and making money on the side. Life goes well, it does.

Of Texas

Waiting for summer,
With the sweat stains
Around the armpits.
And the peanut butter heat.
Of Texas.

Haiku #12

Seeds of change
first a peeking then a
Peaking of that growth

Where's the Money?

I get my check from Kroger. It's a measly $43.00. But that's for 8 hours. Where's the check for the rest of the hours that I've worked? I'm convinced it's still behind the counter, even though I asked and she checked. I was supposed to get two hundred smackeroos for this week alone. Gotta pay that government loan.
Other than that news, I think I have social anxiety. I start freaking out when there is a lull in bagging and I get tired really easily. Fun, fun, cause I'm going to be working jobs back to back this Friday and Saturday.
Did I tell you about our bosses at Kroger? They're scary, scary women who enjoy making poor peons like me feel bad. As part of some sort of program, we have 4 or 5 of them overseeing us making sure we smile, make eye contact, greet, engage (I feel like Patrick Stewart) and thank the customer. With all these people greeting and thanking and helping them, they're going to think they are at some special resort and that those cucumbers in produce go on their eyes instead of their salad.
I'm not having fun seeing what people eat anymore, though it was cool to peek into their lives for a day or two. Now it's just a job. And the payoff's in the money...so where's the money?

Faith and Faith

I work with Faith. Out of the blue she asks me if I'm going to the Summer Training. I forget that I could go. I could just go if I wanted. Just go out to California and have a glorious week of crystalization.
That brings me to God. I believe we need faith to keep us going. Maybe there are the strong and powerful who don't need to believe in anything. But I am weak and unstable. I know my weaknesses and I can't control them. I have bad habits which are difficult to break. I'm not a super-human. I need others around me and that man named Jesus to talk to every once in a while.

Supplication

There's nothing emptier than
A plastic grocery bag.
Floating in the wind.
God's fingers,
Streaks of light
From the coffee ground clouds.
Sends hope through the emptiness
That Rosecrantz and Guildenstern
Are dead.

So we supplicate.

The "Adventure."

Today I went on an "adventure." To the Cookie Machine. I mean, talk about awesome. A whole 4 lbs of double-chocolate chip cookie dough came home with me. I plan to pad myself with the extra lbs. It will surely come in handy.

Kroger and the Monies

Sacking isn't that difficult of a job. My first day at Kroger was on Sunday, and my arms ache a little, but other than that, I'm super pumped. Groceries just seem to slide into the bag themselves after a while, but nothing meets the speed of the checkers, who fire away with a volley of beeps. The best part of the job is the people who are varied and interesting. It's almost as if you get to peek into their private life when you sack groceries. This person has a dog, or this person's drinking tonight. This person obviously doesn't cook because they only have TV dinners. Older women, families, and single men are the most common sight. Many of them give me a smile or a "thank you" as they pass through. I really think I'll like this job more than Chunk E. Cheese despite the lower pay and the long hours. It deals with a more varied sect of people and the employees are interesting as well. So I'm well on my way to dealing with my debt, which I'm sure you're curious how much I still have accrued.
I'm still $12,394.11 in the hole, most of which is student loans. That's the figures: donations will be accepted.

Haiku #11

Training, new uniform
Does the minimum wage raise
show impertinance?

Taxes and the FAFSA

Finished my taxes. I'm sure everyone is rushing around hurriedly trying to get them done. My mom is spending her weekend doing them.
After that is the FAFSA which is due in July. If I finish the forms before July, I might get that Texas Grant, so spending time on them ASAP.
Continuing with the scholarships which will help me not use loans for my college experience.
I start my new job at Kroger this Sunday. I work from 4 to 1pm on Sunday. Great hours, though. I'm starting to hate my Chuck E. Cheese job because it has such sucky hours. Plus there's not much chance of promotion to cashier like there is at Kroger. They have amazing benefits: dental, free glasses, life insurance, and a union. You also have a pension after you've worked 5 years with the company. I spent all day Thursday going over benefits and doing an orientation none of which really prepares you for the job itself. I'm sure, however that'll I'll do alright. Just smile and greet the customer. I'm so glad to be working in a job that is working with people. That will increase my customer service skills.

100th post

I celebrate this, the blog's 100th post by posting pictures. Most of them are of me.

Well-Intentioned Letter to Save the World

I've written a letter to the leader of the Congo, Joseph Kabila. It states some of the problems he has in his country and outlines some solutions to the problems. I'm sending it to the his ambassador to this country in the hopes that it may do some good to alleviate the problems of his people.
The problem is I'm going to have to rewrite the letter. In encouraging him to use his power as the government, I seem to have made a mistake. Reading Economics In One Lesson, by Henry Hazlitt, I find that governments creating jobs will actually harm rather than help the economy. Jobs will be visibly created, yes, but the money to hire them will be taxed from the people, thus decreasing jobs. And government loans are not helpful either, in taking bigger risks with taxpayers dollars than would be done by banks or private lenders.
It's amazing what we learn in public schools about the Depression and how jobs were created by the government and loans given out as part of the New Deal. In actuality, the New Deal itself wasn't what brought the change, but the attitude of the people being brought out of their depression. That's what I believe really brought on prosperity.
This is all research for a paper I will write on whether forign aid is a solution to third world poverty. So onward I forge in my quest for dollars to aid me in dollars which will enable me to have no more loans! Not that loans are a bad thing, they simply are a pain in the butt to have to pay off.

Riger Mortis

Riger Mortis has set in
She told him
He told him
And he told me.

A freezing of the features
of the face
of my life
Without you.

Haiku #10

My hands drip with blood,
I slaughter the beast,
The tao guides me.

To Colorado

Sun in my eyes
Following the path of the pioneers
From Kansas to Colorado
Silversweet snow
Litters the ground
Drifts whisper
"Come, fall in me!"
We pass by
Snow lies untouched
Route seventy
Any old song on the CD player
My family,
Snuggly tucked in the four courners
Of the white sports car
Wind howls outside
Screaming "Stay, stay!"
But our momentum is unchecked
Onward we speed
Hope in something unseen
A future destination.

A Package of Goodies

Money is tight. I've just paid Texas State University's $433.50 required amount each month, and have no leftovers. I get paid next week and that money goes to my Ford loan and then I have a hundred left over. Which I might save for next month.
Money is tight, but the gods are good: my conversation with my mom on the way home revealed a package. Yes, my long-lost father has sent me some goodies. Money with Saddam Hussien's picture on it, surely antique material. A hat that says "Danger, Mines!" on it. And a few DVDs. Astroboy, Lady in the Water, Samari Jack, Pride and Prejudice and few others. This little reminder that I am loved comes at the right time.

Recruiters and Baby-Blue Mushrooms

The day gyres into the evening, as the golden orb of day ceaselessly bakes the turning earth. Shadows fall like curtains, covering the ground which instead of techni-color green, brown, and blue, turn shades of grey. The day comes to a close and I review the day's events.
She had nice, white, even teeth. Small silver earrings pierced each ear and a silver necklace graced her neck. A black cardigan went over her modest blouse. She was the recuiter. A little late, I was nervous in front of her, in my navy-blue capri slacks and silky blue shirt. She quickly put me at ease and went over my qualifications, emphasizing Subway, and mentioning that I'd be working two jobs. The most interesting part of the interview was the drug test. A swab you swished in your mouth for at least 3 minutes and then handed over in a small capsule to be rushed to the lab. A background check was also required. I didn't know so much went into putting cans in a sack. After background checks there's orientation and training. It seems they take their employees very seriously.
Which is how I do not take my knitting project of late. A fuzzy mix of fibers, baby-blue in color, I was attempting to make a baby hat. It looks more like a doily at this point and I'm considering unraveling the project. So the project of baby clothes will be put on standby as I make a another hat with double-edged needles, this time, creating an adult hat. A find in the book store, I'm the proud owner of
Hip to Knit which forays into creating hats, socks, and sweaters. My knitting madness is complete.

Kroger, Hates and More

So I have an interview with Rhonda from Kroger tomorrow. Super exciting. More money. I already have plans for the money...Debt, Education, and then I'll buy a bike. There's nothing quite like the feeling of riding a bike. It's like you're flying, balancing as a tightrope walker on two thin treads of wheel.
That and minor forays into knitting. I'm in the middle of knitting a light-blue, fuzzy baby hat with double-edged needles. The first time I've ventured into this type of knitting and overall it's not that difficult of a challenge. The one problem I have is that these needles are short, about 7 inches, and the stitches keep slipping off at the corners.
Other news, now I'm concerned about disease, hunger, agriculture, water resources, and education in other countries, all due to writing scholarship material. Well, there's a down-side to everything. Ha, ha.

Pollution and Population

Greenhouse emmissions were ruled by the supreme court today to be a pollutant and a factor in global warming. The Environmental Protection Agency is now required to re-examine it's uncertainty on such gases eminating from cars and trucks, and to answer why they wouldn't regulate such emmissions or investigate alternative fuel sources. Well, why not when the population of the United States has reached it's 300 million mark in October of 2006.
Which is what I'm writing another scholarship essay on. If the population of the US is sustainable in the long term. My stance is that the population is sustainable in the long term, but with population increases, that sustainability is decreased. There's disease, poverty, and pollution to think about, not forgetting the simplist of resources: food, water, and land. However, I believe that human ingenuity and intellegence can overcome these odds and shrinking life supply to create a stable environment with enough resources. I mean, in China, the government rules that only one child is acceptable, and perhaps that may become a reality in America someday. However, it's more likely that the immigration policy will become strict, and our "loose borders" will tighten. That's the future of Americans though we know it not.

Scholarships and the Starving Children

I've begun the polishing phase of writing on my essay on child labor and compassion. It started out as a crappy essay, and now it's looking a little better. Shortened, edited, and glossed up, it's now gone to the "peer review stage." I've sent it to a couple of friends and family and hope they will tell me honestly what they think. After that, I go over it and make a few more adjustments and it's off to the scholarship board.
I'm hoping that one, there aren't that many outstanding essay's, and two, that I get at least an honorable mention. Previous winners mostly had experience with starving or AIDS infested children, therefore giving them a little more experience than I have, but I think I shaped up a pretty kick-ass essay for someone who hasn't.
Not only that, but now I feel for the little buggers. They shouldn't have to work all day for pennies. They need a chance at education and schooling. Some of them want to be doctors and nurses. They should be able to get that chance without having to worry about when they'll get their next meal, or if they're going to get shoes. Education should be free. At least through the secondary level. This is just a dream to many in underdeveloped countries. Now I want to engage that Doctors Without Borders or Medicos Sans Frontieres. That's an opportunity I'd like to take once I get out of college. To go and respond to the world's needs, instead of just my own.

The March

This, the last day of March, I would like to go over the highlights of March with you. Certainly getting checks from dad was a highlight. Even more so I believe the visit from Bryan, where we talked about God and sex and everything in between was definitely a good place to be.
Books were read: Desperado, Consider Lily, and Javascript for Dummies, which unfortunately, I didn't finish.
The balloon and cake day was celebrated for Margarita's kids. That was a fun day and I met some members of the community.
I paid off my first bill and then the university strapped me with "You have to pay off your bills with us - or else!" So that'll be my bill paying action - to make enough money to pay off $433.50 a month, plus the student loan of $105.00. Just struggling to make it happen.
Overall, a good, solid, if a bit boring month.

Haiku #10

Blogger is fixed
Heaven be praised, typing fingers
feast on the keyboard.

Hypochondiac and Gardens

I think my mom is a hypochondriac. But pushing the point isn't worth our relationship. She's always in bed with something... (whoops, I almost wrote someone) . "I have a headache. I have nasal congestion. My arm hurts. I have allergies." I think my mom is just plain old tired of life. Whatever that means. How you can be tired of life is beyond me. Life is the one evershifting, everchanging thing which must be tended to like a little garden. One cannot let it fall into disrepair, or it will become a massive project to overcome. And then one will become tired of life. One will also become tired of life, when they listen too much to the negative things: I'm tired, I'm depressed, I have nothing to do. If these things come up we must take care of them in time, like weeds to be pulled. If not they will overrun our little garden. So take care of your little plot in the garden of life.

Pictures!!!

So I go to download the driver for the HP photosmart and it's just that easy. I type in the model number and they give me the software. How neat is that?! Now I'll be downloading all these pictures of me and I can send them and put them on my aveys, just like I've always wanted. Too bad I'm not cute and adorable anymore.
There's something about aging, you can sort of feel the change, but also you look in the mirror and there's not this cute little free person staring back at you but this tied-up tied-down, just plain tired person. And you don't really know what to do with that person, because you're so used to the other one. You don't really want to look at yourself anymore. I used to spend hours looking into the mirror. Now I just want the mirror to go away. I bet I can still make me look cute, though, that's the photographer's invention. They can find art in the smallest things.

Haiku #9

Am I tired?
Or is life tired of me
Twiddling thumbs.

Work and Work and more Work

What the hell. So I go to work two days this week and next week he only has me working one day. ONE day. That's freaking 7 hours a week. I thought this thing was a full time job when I first got into it. I've got to talk to the manager. I need more hours than this.
Also, on Monday, I'm going to go check over at Kroger and see if they've reviewed my application. I'm really going to need a second job if I only work a meager 7 hours a week at Chuck E. Cheese. If I can't do salad bar, I can do other things, I can dance, make me a show host. I'd love to do that. But please, please, please get me more hours.
And fix blogger. I've been meaning to write some back-up posts but haven't been able to due to problems in blogger. I wonder if you can shift posts from one blog engine to another. I'm going to Xanga if this keeps up.

Zimbabwe

Mugabe, president of Zimbabwe has begun a march to destroy any opposition of his rule on March 11. This towering Jenga tower, the economy and political situation of Zimbabwe is that close to a collapse. Mugabe wants to remain in power and will use any corrupt means to take it, including arrest of More Developed Country officials, arrests of ordinary people and activists, threats to these people's lawyers, and raiding the Zimbabwe's Labor Union offices. Although there are many politians condemning his practises, more needs to be done. These practices against human rights cannot continue.

Mea Culpa and the Children

Hello all, forgive me for neglecting my lovely blog of late. Things just get caught up, like in the washing machine, spinning, spinning, till all the clothes are twisted in a big knot around the center. Of course, that's not what they really do: the centrifugial force, forces them outward, away from the center, and that's how I finally end up back here, at the dark blue, tan, and white "Create" page, on which I compose a blog.
What has my time composed of, other than eating lemon bars and storing fat away? Most of my waking hours have been going to composing an essay for those who have enough money to give away. That's right, scholorships. And this particular essay is about child labor and compassion. It didn't take many site hits before I'm practically in tears over the little goobers. In factories, in domestic work, in mines, and agriculturally, the maze of sites presents them as emotionally as possible, necessary for funding, I assume. Did you know there's even child labor in the U.S.?
Now I'm all gleaming eyed-most comparable to civil rights activists-and preparing my major in order to go over to these underdeveloped countries and give a hand. But truthfully, I can't afford to be a save the children advocate, barely paying my own bills. The university finally called me and lay down the law: I have to pay them in 4 months, with payments of about $450 a month. That puts all my other bills on the back burner.
There is encouraging news on the revenue front, however, since I turned in several applications to places like Kroger and the Dollar Store. I need that second job: it's absolutely vital for paying bills and making money over the summer.

Insanity

So my psychologist tells me to write about when I was crazy. I'm writing, and from the various experiences, I'm gleaning that I really was pretty crazy. Nobody knew because I just nodded and smiled. But it was neat because life was exciting, you know. It had meaning. I guess a lot of manic people say that. But we all combat our own personal insanities in our own way. A Beautiful Mind, I can't mention that enough.
The deep dark regions of our mind sometimes come out in interesting ways. Will keep you updated on the writings of the insane.

Haiku #8

The crook of my elbow,
Unlike cupid's bow,
Can't sort out my love life.

Kroger and Lemon Bars

So I'm filling out this Kroger application and they ask if I've received any AFDC. What the... I don't know what it is, but I wish I had received some. So Kroger's super close to where I already work, if I get the job it'll be like I practically live in that strip mall. Super awesome that they are advertising for hire, though.
Can I handle two jobs? I'd better have to, to pay off the debt I already have all $12,600.26 of it. That's including school loans: excluding school loans it's $3,754.70. I've been steadly paying off the debt, but having only worked 2 months, I've gotten 3 bills paid off. I can do better than that. So Kroger and the Dollar Tree have my application and maybe my work will pay off.
In other news, I've made some kick-ass lemon bars. When you bite through them, it's crunchy, gooey, flaky, all in one.

Birthday Parties and Bryan

So Bryan calls me up with a bunch of questions about the blog in which I've noted him. What to do, dear readers, what to do? Our relationship is like a fish out of water. Struggling and wracking it's body to get back into the great wide fishy beyond. I'm struggling to get on my feet, work my life around pills I have to take and getting a job and going back to school and I have to worry about my love life, too? It's a hassle, but I believe it's worth it.
Margarita (yes, she has the name of a drink) from work invited me to two children's birthday party. I came bearing clothes and a plastic sea turtle. Awaiting me was a salad, pizza, wonderous tres leches cake and a cute couple with an 8-year-old. The couple, Elizabeth, and I don't remember his name, both work in the criminal justice field. He, a police officer, and she as a 911 dispatcher. So they regaled me with tales from work, quite entertaining. It was nice to meet some people my age even if they did have a kid. They are Margarita's neighbor's, apparently living in some orange apartments off Lamar and they bike ride for fun. I've got to get myself a bike. Exercise sucks, but bike-riding is like an adventure. So that's my little story of the day.

Words

Words, like frozen yogurt,
The kind you get at McDonalds,
Which freezes your brain
When you take a bite that's too large,
And is perfect,
Melting over your fingers,
Until swabbed by the paper napkin,
provided. Words.

Like a Mug or Haiku #7

Am I the empty coffee cup?
Trading liquids with
The body of a mug.

Haiku #6

Listening to mus-
ic. Burns holes in my argue-
ment that life isn't.

God's Cultivated Land

I was reading some ministry today. Something about "Being God's cultivated land" and being the sowers who sow the seed.
I don't know why I read the book entitled The Holy Word for Morning Revival. It makes me feel I have a purpose, I suppose. A reason for living. Maybe that makes me weak. But I am weak, and that's ok. I just feel more open to life by praying some of the verses and somehow it's ok that I don't really believe that much.
So I enjoyed the phrase that proclaimed us as the cultivated land for God. We are His spiritual land, in which His seed grows. The reading ended with "is still all a mystery to natural man," of course. I guess if reading verses helps us we should do it, even if we don't understand it. For example, the children of Isreal not eating things without cloven hoofs without knowing why they were dirty. Pigs actually had more bacteria than cows or other animals with cloven hoofs, thereby keeping the children of Isreal safe from infectious material.

Love and War

Bush promises that the war is worth it and it's the fourth anniversary of the "war on terror" and troops in Iraq. Securing the nation's capital is the prime objective for this war. They say that most of the 21,500 new troops are going to Bagdad. Just how big is this city, anyway?
But that's life. Speaking of life, in general, this past weekend was one for the memory books. Bryan, my little-more-than-a-friend, came up here from Texas City and we went around to the mall. Little more than in the doors, my hand was in his and we walked around like that for quite a while. What does this mean? I don't know. We are comfortable with each other? Most probably. The evening was highlighted by a trip to John B's, the local pub, and Taco Bueno's yummy tacos. Ended perfectly, by a light kiss on the lips.
Financially-wise, I'm on the up and go, but relationship-wise, I'm more than a little wary. But no harm can come from a little old-fashioned loving. :-)

The Religion of the Daily Grind

Body World and Kittens

I'm so psyched about this weekend. My friends from San Marcos are coming down to maybe go see Body World Exhibition and just hang out.
I might get to meet Meara's family, which is something I've always wanted to do. She's the first of several, so I've heard and I've always considered big families interesting.
It's the first time in a long time that I've seen them, so nerves are fluttering around my stomach poking me with their miniature pitchforks. I'm sure everything will turn out fine, but my social life has been so stunted I'm not sure I remember how to talk to people who are not my mom. It'll be such a relief to be with company in which I know I can relax and just enjoy myself.
Beyond that, our "outdoor" cat is preggy. Yep, that means kittens. My mother says "She's not our cat, she's a stray!" After I exuberently exclaim "I love our cats." So we may have kittens in the books so if anyone in the Arlington area is looking for new pets, we may not give them all to the animal shelter.

A Guilty Poem

Deliberation Celebration

That last wired feeling
and plunge from that
cup of coffee you shouldn't have had.

The threads of smoke,
From the one cigarette
That gives you lung cancer.

That piece of pumpkin pie
You are dreading,
With whipped cream.

You protest, "I want to be thin"
But then give in.

Haiku #5

Wooden telephone poles
Reach for the sky and serve as
Bird congregations.

JavaScript to Girl Scouts

I'm reading JavaScript for Dummies and the book self-describes as "a good friend who started at the beginning, learned the ropes the hard way and now wants to help you get up to speed." No kidding. The book is really like a computer geek friend by telling you a bunch of information you're not going to get full-blast, breakneck speed. Not one to give up even while the task is daunting, perhaps it gets more explainatory in later chapters.
So far I've learned that JavaScript has functions and methods and somehow you combine them with event handlers to make an action happen. Confusing to say the least. Well, life is sometimes like that. You get thrown into a situation and have to think on your feet. Different times new equals scary or frightening. But life doesn't have to be like that. Just prepare yourself (the girl scout way) and don't forget the cookies.

Cooking

Made dinner today. There was some sort of mix of corn, lentils, beans and rice, that turned out interesting. And hot. I 'urnt my tongueeee. The rice didn't cook so I decided to throw out that recipie. That's the second time I've cooked it and it turned out the same. Then there was some uber healthy red, green, and yellow sauted peppers with zucchini squash.

Ode to cooking

My hands like you.
They whisper back and forth
And have violent conversations
with the chopping knife.

One, two, three,
Like army soldiers,
The pieces of vegetables
March to the humming boil

Of a thousand molecules
turning into gas
I laugh
The kitchen is my

Moving and grooving of
A thousand bangings of
Pots and pans.
Recipies grow

Flow, down to the finest detail;
A sprig of parsley.

Blasted Summer and Blogger

Haiku #4

Blogger sucks and blows
Only the title of post
Who is your father?

Bush and Bill and Bills

Went digging through my file marked "bills" today and threw out a couple things. There was one bill that has only been sent to me once for a thousand dollars which I threw out because that might have been before insurance. There are two statements, one from Hays County EMS for $700 and one from Central Texas Medical Center for $455.86, which have not gone through to the insurance yet. I've also found a bill from Medical Centerof Arlington for an extra $100.
But talk about finances, Bush will have trouble financing the war if he doesn't sign a bill promising to pull troops out by August 2008. Talk about your dilemmas. He can either choose not to have funds for the troops or to pull them out early. His choice. We see what a double-edged sword the House Democrats have placed in the bill. Now we wait to see what he shall do.

First Debt Paid

My first debt is finally paid off today to Seton Shoal Creek, a wonderful $180.89. Tastes like sunshine on a spring day, looks like a finely-crafted cabinent, smells like blooming rosebuds and sounds like the cooing of a dove.
The next debt I'm concentrating on is $400 from Nix Healthcare Systems. $50 of my second paycheck will go to them. If I'm calculating correctly they will be paid off by the end of April. I still have a school loan monthly payment to make this month, along with money for buying medicine, which is usually $50. This means, I'll be well on my way to paying my debt with my job and my dad's checks taken into consideration.

Morning Glory

I went to a church meeting recently. Everyone was praying aloud and singing and having a good ole' time. The church I go to is not the way you would think. There's plenty of young people but no big band or electric guitar. Just some old guy playing the guitar for the group. So why do we go there? I think it has something to do with life. Not completely sure, but the theory has plausability.
The young people had just gotten back from a college conference. What I enjoyed from their sharing was of people's spirit's being like doves. Soft and fluttering and easily scared away. That gentleness we sense in our spirit can be felt and we want that peace in our spirit to alight and continue there.
And a shout-out to Crystal, my home-girl, for driving me to the Holts for pizza.

Sleep

Sleep often eludes us. We don't often think about it, but we are like cyborgs, needing "sleep batteries" to recharge. What exactly do we need sleep for?
Well, during sleep, the growth hormone is excreted. Therefore, rest is essential for young ones and important for us adults to keep our skin and muscle tone even.
What about dreams? Scientists hypothesize that dreams are the mind's way of organizing the days events. I know I always feel more rested after a night of sweet, sweet dreams.
So sleep is important to the brain and body and we know this mostly by what happens to us when the brain and body don't get enough. We become cranky and irratable and begin to make mistakes.
I like to think of sleep as our connection with the unconscious and spiritual world. Could be, could not, only time and research can tell.

Haiku #3

Watermelon Ice
Dripping down my fingers
Almost taste summer.

Towards the Light

I am going towards the light.

My Mother and Library Books

So I went to the library today. Books are mysterious. You can't really tell who people are by what they read, but you can tell what their innermost thoughts which drew them to a certain book.
I checked out JavaScript for Dummies. Finished the HTML book and am progressing on to greater heights with this webpage making business. Maya Angelou in pictures. She came to our university and some people got to see her give a lecture. Watership Down on tape. My mind's going to the bunnies.
The Dance of Anger. One of those self-help books I try not to get. Sometimes my mom just trys to tick me off. Then she laughs about it. The irony is that she doesn't herself know that she does this, so she feels innocent. So I'm basically with this big, willful child whom I cannot control for the life of me who's belligerently questioning and critizing me. We end up afraid of each other's shadows.
Lastly, a novel, Ben, In the World, and Love Poems. Going on about my mom, she's has a carefully crafted vision of herself as perfect. She often points out other people whom she wishes I were like. She says she hates me, Megan. She doesn't really exist. Do you understand what I mean by that? Like the person who is evil, crude and childish in her doesn't really exist. Like it's her fallback person that she becomes when things don't go well. She becomes a solid, unclimbable wall, an unpentatrable fortress.
So I hate her. And I believe it's unhealthy to hate others, at least for long periods of time. At the most, I don't trust her. It's frustrating, because I don't want my world to consist of the love-hate relationship I have with my mother. But her relationship with me takes up her whole world. It fills it and expands my every move out of proportion, making me the target of critisism.
I know I could do better. I know I could garner her respect and love by being better than I am. I cannot do that without other people around me who give respect. There are times where I cannot stand being who I am. That's when I turn to Maya. And love poems. And the Tao-Te-Ching. And calling friends. And buying flowers, even though I cannot afford them. I am a mess and I feel like my mother makes me a garbage dump instead of embracing my differences, she must judge and critize and burn me until I am nothing but ashes.

Vitamins in My Cabinet

There are a ton of vitamins sitting placidly, as normal vitamins should, (I would be afraid if they were bouncing around) in one of the dusty top shelves in our kitchen. I thought it would be interesting to find out what each vitamin does and which ones I should or shouldn't take.
With no further ado, I present Vitamin C. In one of the larger bottles, instead of being the usual colorful orange, they are a dusky brown. On the bottle, it describes the vitamin as protecting the bodies cells from potential damage and enhancing the immune system. We could all use a boost to the immunie system. I found on Wikipedia the even greater benefits of The V-C. It acts as a co-enzyme in the body working with collegen, which I'm sure you've heard is important to the health of your skin, teeth, and bones. It affects the bodies processing of dopamine, noradrenaline, and adrinaline, which keep you energized and happy. There's also something you may not know about-Vitamin C affects carnitine, an enzyme that helps with energy transfer in the mitochondria.
Also found in our medicine cabinet is the Vitamin E. Labeled "Heart and Circulation," this product is recommended to help boost the immune system and reputed to maintain a healthy heart. Wikipedia states Vitamin E is a powerful antioxidant, which stops free radicals which may cause harm to the body in the form of heart disease and cancer.
Collecting dust unopened in that corner of the house is "Stess B-Complex," containing Vitamin C and Zinc, the suppliment which looks the newest and freshest and of which I'd probably pop a few. The bottle claims along with reducing stress that it's vitamins help convert food into energy, is essential to growth and development and aids in immune defense. Vitamin B's are actually a range of different pieces to the organic puzzle: including thiamine and riboflavin. Several of these vitamins are reputed to boost immune response, maintain healthy skin and muscles, boost metabolism, and promote cell growth and division. A lack in these vitamins results in several different maladies. So make sure you get your B's!
Along with these vitamins, there's Zinc and Iron suppliments. Zinc and Iron, you can find on the periodic table so what are they doing mixed with vitamins? Zinc is naturally produced in the body, the forebrain taking the lead in production, as an activator of certian enzymes. From the NIH's Office of Dietary Suppliments we have a disscussion of Iron as essential in transport of oxygen in the blood. Without iron no oxygen could get to your blood cells so it's an important part of a healthy diet.
Others which could be labeled suppliments, rather than vitamins are cod liver oil, L-Tyrosine, Ginkgo/Gotu Kola, Bone Meal, and Echinacea complex. Those vitamins are best left to another day.
For now I think I'll start taking the B-Vitamin Stress complex and see if I notice any changes in energy and skin tone. We have all these vitamins and no-one every uses them, so I'll take a step into the coals for once and use myself as a vitamin guinea pig.

Happiness as Energy

Do you think true happiness really exists? Perhaps there are only degrees, like with absolute zero. Absolute zero where a molecule stops moving altogether and is frozen with absolutely no movement of the atoms has not been able to be found. So is absolute happiness, with no fear or hate or desire coming in the way possible? Or is it, like temperature, just degrees of happiness.
Is happiness based on a a heirarchy of needs, like Maslow's or is it more elusive than such? Happiness one of those vauge and ever-changing ideas that we use to express certain feelings that we have, certain emotions.
There is not much done in the way of mixing physics with psychics, the concrete world connected with the abstract. So what if you considered emotions as energy? For example, hate energy and love energy. Energy, according to Einstien is mc². The m standing for mass and the c standing for the speed of light in a vaccumn. So if emotions have produce a certain energy within us, as often described with people feeling that they have more or less energy, then they must mave a mass. Of course this could be considered nutritional science. But why do some people get depressed while others stay mentally healthy? There must be some sort of emotional weight they are carrying.
While there may not be an answer to these questions now, the future is bright for those searching for a new and different way of looking at things.

Haiku #2

I find my flow and
Iran launches a spaceship.
I am the rocket.

Haiku

Functionality
Seeds within a cucumber
Surpassed by beauty

Bag Lady?

There's a red dust storm covering Arlington. The news says it's from West Texas. I say it's from hell because of it's milky red appearance. The wind blows strong and coughs up dust with each gust. Where did this come from and when will it go remains to be seen, but I bet tonight will have a killer sunset.
Went into the Dollar Tree today. Gosh, they have everything, from light bulbs to flower bulbs, from kiddie makeup to little chairs. That's right, like on Grey's Anatomy last night, you can buy furniture for only a dollar. I sort of feel like the bag lady when I go in there. Muttering happily to myself and exclaiming over certain amusing artifacts buried amonst the rubble. If I'm to keep up this "path of the bums" way I'm going, i.e. bumming off my mom, then I'll certainly need to keep up with the ways of the world of bums, hence, the bag lady.
What 3 things do you need to know to be a bag lady? Well first is bags. You must have bags slung around your body at all times, because if you don't, well, you're just a lady.
Shopping carts from local grocery stores also add to the bag lady's accoutrements. If you can't find a shopping cart, use an old cardboard box that you pull around on a string tied through a hole in the box. Mutter at the box as if it is a pet. If boxes are hard to find, there's always bags.
A personal bag lady favorite is mutterings and although it's more of a religious freak's duty, there's always the bag lady that wants to pass on wisdom of the coming plauge or end of the world.
The third thing: to be a bag lady, coping skills are a must, as it's not an easy job. People often stare at you and at times naughty boys throw rotten fruit. There are many trash bags and cans to explore so let your curiosity get the best of you. Best of luck to you with your bag lady explorations.

Happiness

Today I started to wage a war against unhappiness. Like Dove's campaign for "real beauty," I began a campaign for "real happiness." Real happiness is elusive and vauge. Mysterious and unkind to most. Is it power, money, love? For the one thing which most people spend thier lives searching for no one definition reignes supreme.
Oprah's friend said to write down what you don't want and the opposite of what you don't want is what will make you happy. So for example, I don't want to hate my mom equals having a relationship with my mom that's on an even keel, where neither of us takes advantage of the other. That's what will make me happy. But how many times an ideal thought is made but not processed to the heart. Sometimes we need to digest before we are able to make use of the ideas we eat.
So real happiness to me was doing the dishes today. They were piled up, nasty caked-on towers of grubbiness and I prepared the water, washed them, and dried and put them away. Then I watched "A Happy Accident."
Happiness is simplicity and peace in the midst of chaos. So today, simple things made me happy and the same can be true of yourself. Do some simple strethcs and go for a run. Talk to your best friend and open yourself up more to them. Trust someone. Don't let the failures in your life get you down. Instead stay busy and enjoy every moment.

HTML, Ellen, and Oprah

The HTML and XHTML: Step by Step although not belonging to the fiction category has a tendency to leave one in suspense. I've been reading it and finally we get to the frames category of writing webpages and they aren't even used in XHTML. However, I may find out what the elusive star means, which I've seen used on several webpages already. Forms has come out and now I now how to make optional buttons and dropdown boxes. Really, I'm lucky to have a library to go to to find out all this stuff.
Have I gotten anything done in the finding extra jobs department? No. I have, nevertheless, watched Ellen and Oprah. I now know that Ellen will be hosting the Oscars, has been tweezed and tanned and tummy-tucked for the Oscars. And that she will tell us all about it when all the flippant or thoughtful, wonderous or banal, starlit comments are said and done. On Oprah, I got a first-hand account of a child molestee and directions for inviting my governor and senator to lay down the law on such evil practises. "Evil" is the word he used to describe sodomy, I believe, and as scary as that word today is to use, I think in this context it can be used appropriately. So I've been learning useful things, I hope, even if they won't get me off the ground financially they pay back the spiritual debt in my being.
So learning my website craft and watching television was how I spent my day. It's not one that will live in famousy or infamy. Just another day.

The Figures

Here's the figures. I sent a total of $361.66 worth of debt to the debtors today. $211.66 of it to school loans and $150.00 to Seton Shoal Creek Hospital. 50$ went to my mom to help pay for utilities, leaving me with a round balance of $0.16 in my bank account.
My main sources of income right now are my job and my dad with some writing jobs on the side. What I can still do to further increase my chances of getting out of debt are to either take on another job or increase my abilities with my online writing jobs. Before I get another job, I want to be comfortable in the job I am right now. So that's one milestone. Right now, I feel not at ease with the managers and sometimes with those who work there. Once my anxiety about my current job is taken care of, then I can consider starting another one.
Also on my writing jobs, I think being part of a team of writers would improve my ability to get a job. I could advertise on www.getafreelancer.com and expand my contacts. This will take time and energy and effort, some of which I don't have after a long day on the job. It will take consideration and flexibility to work with others which I'm not sure I currently possess. Perhaps after I start to feel comfortable in my own job and have obtained Microsoft Software which is near to essential considering it's speedy spell-checking capabilities will I start to make a team of writers or even website writers or graphic designers.
Those are my options for paying my debt for now. There's also some consideration that if I apply Cigna insurance to my bills I may not have to pay any of the portion, thus getting money back from the hospitals.

Ruddy Green Wall

Ruddy green wall
I stare.
It stares back.
Reflecting it's color on me
Sending a message
From my eyes
To my brain
Whispering "Life, life!"
Again I see
And am a little afraid.

Lettuce Chunks or Bites?

It is hits us all: young, old, black, white, and purple-in-the-face from laughing too hard. Lettuce pieces which are too large. That's why I cut my lettuce less than an inch thick. Have to start thinking of the consumer when you work the salad bar.
Keeping track of utensils is difficult. I think perhaps they get nicked by some of the customers, but come opening time there always seem to be enough to go around.
So that's the extent of my day at Chunk E. Cheese. Make up the salad bar, prep vegetables, stay out of the scary managers' way. Then make sure all the crocks are filled, while cleaning the salad bar and helping anyone with forks and knifes and to-go boxes. Filling the salad bar with more ice. Sweeping. I take pride in my work, simple though it may be. And if it enables me to get out of debt faster, amen to it.

Face In the Subway

Dated 01/11/07

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
I behold you, still, snowflake
in a snowstorm that has
already fallen.

Bit of machinery in a ticking
timepiece; the "i" before the "e."
My spirit lingers triumphantly
claiming this patch of land next to yours.

You never notice me whispering seeds
To you; moss in a precipice
Followed down a rabbit hole
Keep looking so lost, while I have found.

When will you recognize
me, you're the steam engine,
The coal for your fire
I strike a match for a cigarette

And you are gone.

Search for Rhyme and Reason

Just home from depositing a check received from Chunk E. Cheeses. My very first paycheck; $292.54. $7 of the check went to buy girl scout cookies, and about $8.50 to rent a couple of movies. The rest to pay off my school loan, which is late, and very urgent, being due on the 28th of each month. Right now I'm mailing in the payments and oh, it is so sweet. Not sweet like a cookie or cake, with a short high and then the drop, but the sweetness of a well-done steak, chewy and thick in the mouth, with a lingering aftertaste and feeling of well-being.
So I've taken a few steps on my journey out of debt. Sometimes I feel like Milo in The Magic Tollbooth beside me a distractor with infinite number of vegetables to place in the salad bar to feed an infinite number of stomaches on my search for Rhyme and Reason. But to escape the salad bar and malingering managers now would mean certain financial doom. So I suck it up and believe what Oprah says, "Mediocrity always attacks excellence" and "Forgiveness is when you thank the person for the experience." These few tidbits have sustained me when generally I would rather have crumbled. Just having faith in general sustains us. So I am alive and paying my debts.

A Tribute to Little Big Brothers

Today is the day my little big brother was born. A cold Febrary night it was. My first memories of him are probably of him crying before we went to school in the mornings. He was a good, solid cryer and those wailings will haunt me. In any case, he grew and grew regardless of the heaps of punishments upon him from two older sisters. He and I share survivorship of a messy divorce and the years following.
He used to hate it when I called him "little" brother, so I've dubbed him the big little brother, for all the "big brothering" he has done for me. There were times when I'm sure I didn't deserve it, but he still allowed me into his domain to share his anime with me. Those were special times and he always seems to have a certain big brotherly charm with his two older sisters, treating us with a mix of confused respect and tender caring. I certainly would not be where I am today without certain well-placed comments from him.
I think he was the first one in my family to show me how to treat someone with respect. By almost forcing my mom and me to give him privacy and space to breath in a troubled household he showed me that you can gain what you desire with hard work and a listening mind. Though they were some rocky years, I still respect and admire him very much. So let's give three cheers for the brother's in our lives and what they have done for us.

Eating Disorders and Fear

I like bread. And candy. And I've been eating more than my usual share. I almost can't help myself. Eating disorders effect more than 90% of the population. Don't ask me where I got that statistic, I made it up. But seriously, when are we going to stop asking food or the lack thereof to make up for our serious lack in social life? The answer is now. Now, on this holiday of all when single women's bodies beg us to buy ourselves a huge box of chocolates and sit in bed watching TV and eating all in the box. Now, before bread's crumbling masses digests into yellow, creamy fat. Now, take the time to look at yourself and ask if you are begging food to have control over your life. Now.
Does food own you? I say no. You own food. So who has the control, you or the food? You. Next time you're feeling low don't go into that kitchen or stop eating altogether. You have control of not only the food, but of your life. Call a friend, take a ride on a bike, journal a little. Try something else to fill you up besides empty calories.
Talk a little. Talk is like soul food. If you don't talk, you'll be empty. Don't hang out with people who just want you to listen to them, the soul-suckers. You'll be dry and empty within the day. Instead spend time with friends who like to listen, who enjoy a chat and a little laughter.
Don't be afraid. Fear is the worst emptier. You eat fear and division happens. You eat hope and multiplication is produced. So use that fear to prod you on to new heights. Let it drip, drip, drip in an IV bag near your bed. It may be feeding you, but it's not a part of you. You are not fear.
So I leave you with these PSAs this holiday season. Happy Valentine's everyone!

A Bit of Liquid

My nostrils sting
A little juice of brain and body
drips solomnly out
as if to say,
"You've had a day of it, haven't you?
That last sadness was too great for your
solid strength. Now where did I put my head?"
And after visiting hours with the drip
are over, and all's said and done
with a plucked tissue.
And there's a bit of bliss
that life's pain does not pass me by,
I feel, and breathe, and drip,
Therefore I am alive.

Websites and Life

After learning some HTML, I'm making a practise website for meself. (Yes, sometimes I talk like a leprechan.) The website is very basic. A heading, my name; several links detailing my hobbies and education consist of the site. I'm using a table and some of the links are all the way on the other side of the page, I even used a colspan argument so I'm not sure why the cells aren't merging and balancing themselves. Perhaps I shouldn't use a table though I've heard they make things easier. I could compare this site to my life. I have basic knowledge to make it. A handbook is with me where ever I go. I just have to either take the time to learn the material, because certain sides of me get slanted sometimes or certain details need tweaking.
How will website manipulation help me on my quest out of debt? Well, there's plenty of freelance jobs on the internet which request help with their websites. If I can learn how to make websites, there will be installed in me a skill which I may use to make money.
Other than that, I work Wed, 8-2, Fri, 6-close, Sat and Sun, 8-4.

Horoscopes and Just Keep Swimming

My mysterious Scorpio horoscope states that the moon is in my 2nd house of money. This means I should be cautious concerning finances, but horoscopes are so ambiguous, it's difficult to get a straight answer out of them, similar to the eight-ball. The answer is what? NOT RIGHT NOW. Which sucks.
So how are my finances doing? Alright. I don't know when we get checks and it's driving me crazy. Can't wait to get paid and to see the fruit of my labors.
Went into the dollar store today and scoped the place out. Bought some candy and a candle which is burning on the dining room table. It's a great place for cheap gifts, party favors, and sunglasses. I still don't know if this manager job is for me, though. I seem to have trouble asking people stuff that has been on my mind for a long time. Taking my opportunities. They just zoom on by, and I watch mesmerized. How do I change this? Plunge. Plunge in and "just keep swimming" like Dory on Finding Nemo. And don't look back. If you don't think backwards then there will be no regrets. There can be some quiet and useful recollection, such as demonstrated here, but anything more than that is simply regrets.

Against the Tiger

Banners unfurled, ropes taunt to the wind
Thirty men fighting strong
Against the tiger.

Beat against the drum
Time to come along and bear up arms
Against the tiger.

Down you and come with us,
Across stream and river, pulsing
Drive we the tiger.

Marching feet and clanging shields
Dancing or fighting?
Against the tiger.

Down and up and down and up,
Brave men and courageous,
Against the tiger.

Who is it, mysterious and drawn
Lean and muscular
Who is the tiger.

Any enemy that's done us wrong,
Imagined or real foe
That's just the tiger.

Chuck E. For President

Barak Obama is definitely making a bid for the presidency of the United States. It's comforting and I relish the fact which everyone loves to gossip about but isn't adamately discussed by him in his speeches: he is black. What does it mean for us to even have someone bid for the democratic side of the presidency and be black? It means there's a spirit in all of us. That we all have a part in some amazing subconsious mind and there's equality in all. This equality is regardless of some outward physical part. And there's no need to name it. Just to revel in it's rich, sumptutous goodness.
I believe I tapped into this subconscious today when I became part of a birthday party. At Chuck E Cheeses, the place where a kid can be a kid, we have numerous parties. It just so happened that the employee who was playing Chuck E mysteriously became painfully aware of her age. After trying the suit on and dancing vigerously around I realized how humans aren't meant to be cartoon characters. They just don't have the giant feet and three-fingered hands or the giant awkward head. The suit just heats up in that environment. Of course, you and I know it's because of all the children's love, their warm-hearted subconscious and not just cause of the suit. Seriously, I almost felt like the pied piper, with kids clamoring to hug me. I even managed to make Chuck E look like he was laughing, a feat not that hard to do, but amusing, nevertheless.
I have to keep telling myself...this job is just a hurdle. If I don't, I might go mad. Alot of the people who work there are just plain rude. They've got this 'tude. Like "You're not the boss of me, and I'm going to tell you what, nigga'." And I don't need that. So I do my work quietly and burn a little in the cheeks to make sure things get done. The mexicans are the nicest people there. Always smiling and chattering away in Spanish. Entiendo this and a ves that.
I miss my job at Subway. All the people there were considerate most of the time and there was usually customers coming and going, enough to keep us busy. I also miss the employees: Liz, one of the managers was always chatting to me and acting friendly in a non-threatening sort of way.
So. Just a hurdle. They're hiring for managers at the Dollar Store, right next to Chuck E Cheeses. What does it take to be a manager? I suppose you must have people skills: hiring people, firing people, and motivational speaking. Other than that, managers seem to need to be able to make schedules and work time sheets out. A manager may order supplies for the store when needed, and often they handle the money. What is usually required for a manager? Previous managerial experience or a degree is desirable. So who do I think I am to be qualified for all this? That's the question I ask myself. Who do I think I am to be working two jobs? Do I have the stamina? Do I have the karma?

Communication and Empathy

Fatah and Hamas are agreeable today. They pledged to hold a summit and not finish until some agreement was made. If only everything was that simple. This is governmental and as governments are for the people they should have to agree on some terms to keep the people safe and regardless of any religious partitioning. And that's what Ismail Hamyia and Khaled Meshal are doing. They will be going over how to divide the ministerial portfolios, how to reduce violence and they are also aiming towards recognizing Isreali tenaments of the law, which were not recognized by the Hamas group.
We really hope they can accomplish something. Before the problems seemed so vast and fighting so broadly spread over the region it seemed that nothing could be done. Will what these two leaders of different religious factions come to agreements about the goverment regardless of their opposing religious ideals? Will this be a leading factor in the fight against poverty, war, and bringing about peace in the Middle East? We surely believe so. When conditions for the people are that bad, things must have an upward outlook. There must be some sort of balancing factor. To bring about peace is something we look to do... not some cheap, glossed over type of peace, but a lasting one in which positive changes can take root.
So I go on today with hope because I believe in the "Butterfly Effect." I believe that each action and consequence thereof affects us all. And talk about effecting, my creditors and insurance companies have communication comparable to the previous relations between Fatah and Hamas. There is a bill to me for 700.00 because either the insurance company did not record denying the claim or because the EMS didn't send the claim. Either way all this paper trail will lead me to some hope. By my commmunication with the companies the situation will be resolved.
That's what the book, MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers involves, communication. I've been reading the book and am lost among punctuation, commas, plagerism and more. It's a lovely handbook. And I feel my writing has improved because of it. Communication is improved and my skills are honed. Details are less overlooked and commas are placed carefully instead of haphazardly. Palistinian and Isreali leaders could use one of these handbooks, in government, instead of writing. Of course, we're quick to judge. One must see oneself in a situation before one can discuss the reality of another's plight. And that's what communication is about, really. Empathy: the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another, as defined by dictionary.com. This empathy is what is needed today. In the Middle East, and starting with you, as my reader, and with me, as the writer. We can start a new trend and celebrate our differences.

Prayer Meetin' and Insurance Greetin'

I went to a prayer meeting tonight. It was kinda nice. Everyone was praying and singing and all sorts 'a enjoyin'. It's neat how they are there to get things done, to fight some spirital warfare, to conquer the beast, so to speak. Prayer always gets my blood pumping.
Before that interesting meeting, I was destitute and lonely, my mom having come home so frustrated that our insurance wouldn't cover some payments they already took care of because it wasn't my primary insurance. All sorts of complicated insurance stuff. Then afterwards I felt alright...kind of like floaty and full of air. Now I'm not into that spiritualist stuff, but it's kind of nice to let your heart rest easy.
Besides the insurance muck, I was going through some papers and found out that another one of my bills hasn't gone through either of my insurances so that's 350$ off my plate. What a relief.
This Talia woman, though. I'm not sure I want to work for her anymore. She requested that I rewrite some articles and wants them finished before tonight. I should have written her to say that I couldn't accomplish that in one night. I did write back and say I could have them by tommorrow, though. It's getting around bedtime, for me.
Good night ya'll and may your debts be paid.

Lone Bill

I'm looking through my bills; something done to pass the time, and I find a bill from my psychologist that doesn't seem to have made it thru the checkpoints of either of my insurance companies. If I get that bill off my desk that's 350$ I don't have to pay.
What else have I been doing to aid my billish plight? Finished 5 articles today about blushing and excessive sweat, worth 3$ a piece. Now if that ailment ever occurs to me or some friends, I'll know plenty of therapies for the problem. People even go through lengths as far as surgery to be rid of excessive sweating and there are a lot of board postings which demonstrate the need for help for this condition. I say it's Texas, and we all sweat.
Besides that today, there was a lady astronaut caught from Texas attempting to attack another lady austronaut because of a love triangle between the two and another male astronaut. There is no condition on relationships in the Astronaut corps like there is in the military. Perhaps in this case, putting a hold on personal relationships would be wise.
In other news I work Friday night and Saturday and Sunday full days. I really need another job if I'm only working three days a week. So we'll see what the week produces.

Hyperhidrosis

In the midst of writing articles about hyperhidrosis. What is hyperhidrosis? Excessive sweating. Now, how I'm going to write three articles about that, I don't know. But I'm sure once I'm done, I'll never want to touch the subject at hand again.
Also eating one of my mother's concoctions. Homemade yogurt which is tasty with a little added vanilla extract added to the mix.
I work the weekends at Chuckie Cheeses it seems. So I have the week free to write silly little articles for websites who want content. There's two things I haven't accomplished that I wish to accomplish. Writing a song for Ryan and writing content for Bryan. They rhyme, oddly enough. Then there's that scarf. And purse. Maybe after I finish these articles tomorrow I will have time enough to regain my crafting ability and charge ahead with these projects. Well, walk carefully, at least.

Fairies and I Will

I've got Chuckie dust on me. Being a part of the Chuckie crew and having to call the customers guests makes me a Chunkie Fairie. The people who have birthday parties call Chuckie up to do a presentation for them and throws tickets at the end. Sounds like a fairie job to me. I do my part at the salad bar and try not to be too embarrassed for my counterparts in costume. It might be fun for them, after all. Me, I'm happy with my carrots and lettuce.
Well, I'm not totally happy. My hours aren't that great. I got maybe 28 this week and pretty much the same next week. There's a dollar store right next to it that's hiring managers. I'm not sure they would hire me, I not being in a manager position before. On the other hand, there's no reason not to apply. Perhaps after this week, I'll consider applying there. The pay may be better and maybe I can pull off the two jobs thing.
Besides that, there's www.getafreelancer.com. I admit, I'm a little dismayed by what I see there. The writers who bid on a project often seem too experienced and I too little experienced to bid. However, there seems little to do but try. So that's what I'll be doing with my remaining days off work, bidding on several projects and maybe spending some time cleaning the house and working in the yard. Some positive affirmations: I will make my days profitable. I will be a positive-thinker. I will follow my goals to their conclusion. I will.

Work Haiku

First a haiku about getting to work early in the morning.

Ringing ice chinking
A path through the sparkly
Frozen waterfall

Next a haiku about working in the salad bar.

Carrots, lettuce, ice
Cut one more vegetable
Ravenous eaters

Now a haiku about more work.

Cutting full oranges
Slicing through colored sunshine
Shiny wonder stars

Celebration and the Boob

My head is full of Grey's Anatomy. Toxic blood and viscious mothers with Alheimer's. And what is going on with Addison? That's what I'm sure everyone wants to know.
Last thing on everyone's mind is the superbowl. If I'm correct, the Superbowl is the playoff of playoffs, if not the sport of kings, surely for the sport of the general watching public. Ellen Degeneres whistles from her desk about the Bears and the Colts, and there are advertisments advertising advertisements for the Superbowl.
Hey, I say any reason to celebrate is fine by me. Celebration in all forms is encouraged. I'd celebrate any day: World Hello Day, November 21st, Hedgehog Day, the 2nd of February, and Laugh and Get Rich Day, February 8th. I wonder how you celebrate Hedgehog day, anyway. I'm worried it involves flamigos and cards.
Anywho, the Superbowl even has a comparable sport in fantasy realm. The World Cup of Quiddich in Harry Potter is celbrated with glee like I'm sure, many of our football fans do.
Personally, I'm just going to eat a good meal and watch as much football as my gluttonous mind can take. No decorations, no party. Just good clean TV watching, much like I'd do any other week, but different, set apart, because of this distinctive game and the lovely advertisements and half-time show. No-one, I'm sure forgets the infamous boob. I, myself, often think of the boob fondly, even though it was years ago. We know that boobs usually aren't shown on national TV, so it was a scandal which our Puritan nation does not soon forgive, much less forget. But it did give us a topic to gossip about for a time.
Good luck, lovies, have fun at your parties, don't eat too much snackies, you'll just have to work it off later.

The Numbers

One of my bills doesn't need to be paid. That's 186.59 dollars off of my lap. I found out that they are still sending those bills in to the insurance and that the one they sent to me was a fluke. Now the least of my bills is 330.98$ for Seton Shoal Creek Hospital.
I received from my daddy, 150$, part of which will go to helping my mom, and part of which will go to paying my bills.
More good news is that after sending the invoice, Talia sent the payment of 37.50 by Paypal and I deposited the monies in my account on Thursday. She came through and I enjoyed working with her.
Now that I have an almost full-time job, I'm still thinking of more ways to make money. What could I do? There's either getting a second job, or getting more freelance writing jobs. I don't want to start a new job right away, because I'm not sure of my current work schedule yet. My schedule may prevent me from getting another job, so my best bet is freelance work. There's www.getafreelancer.com and www.online-writing-jobs.com. Both of these sites host ads for people needing copywriting, editing, and translating work done. What I can do with my free time is to check out these sites and bid on prospective clients.

Moms and Day's Without Mishaps

It's 41 degrees outside in Arlington. There was snow today, but I missed it. Was working my first day at Chunk E. Cheeses.
Truthfully, it's a nice place to work. There isn't much I miss, except the snow. Being Texas it turned into water as soon as it hit the ground. Chunk E. Cheeses always has this glow about it. There's all these kids that come in there and eat, and then they get prizes and then they leave. It's a kind of stationary carnival.
I'm sure you remember going there when you were a kid. Couldn't leave the rides alone, dropping tokens in this game or that. The prizes for tickets were the best part, there being so many to choose from.
Well, I was there to learn about the salad bar, and got an education in pizza dough making in the process. Salad bar is easy. They do have a particular order in which the vegetables go, but I didn't learn all that, too much. We have to make an effort, so that every guest leaves happy. And calling them guests and all, sort of makes them feel like they are entering your home. "Come in, take a seat, get off your feet."
My mom forgot to ask me how my first day at work went. She probably is tired, this being a grey day. My mom and I have lots of things in common: one of them being a penchant for Grey's Anatomy and Ugly Betty. Which is nice of course. But some things we don't have in common, like asking annoying questions about who I'm talking to on the phone. I'm sure she cares, and it's all for my interest. But sometimes I just get frustrated with her asking personal questions. And then sometimes there's the question she forgets. Like how my first day at work went.
Mom, it went well.

Life in HTML

I'm learning to make HTML documents. It's been pretty easy so far. Tag this and use an argument in that.
That's what they're called, arguments. Kind of like math where everywhere you see problems. Probably why I'm an English major.
Either way, now I'm learning to make something called cascading style sheets. These sheets are a basic style that you can apply to all your webpages. They can specify font, font color, background color, size of the font, and have lots of other uses. I could have a style sheet for life. To have just one style: Me. And to apply that to my life. The organization of my life is probably better than the organization of my scattered room in that I'm starting to know what I like. I like to write. I like to knitt. I'm getting rid of my debt, and working at Chunk E. Cheeses.
I did spend some money today on my a couple of balls of yarn and a strap for this brown purse I made. My mom dragged me to the craft stores and I couldn't help myself. That's 6.69$ away from paying my first debt. However, yesterday I finished 15 articles bringing me to 37.50$, minus whatever paypal takes away in the transaction. The woman I've been working for wants an invoice. Why does she need an invoice? What is an invoice?
Invoices are, in reality, bills. Talia, who I'm working for, said the buyer of my work has started getting iffy about the payment. I suppose she wants me to send the bill to the buyer. Well, I'll see what I can do about the invoice. Better learn about these invoices if I'm going to be a freelance writer, now rather than later.

Brevity...

Well, I went to training and it was as I expected. It was very basic. Here's the kitchen, there's where you clock in. Come in and we'll explain things to you. I did learn that one of the employee's of the K-Mart which Chunk E. Cheeses used to be killed himself in the back-back-back break room. So that's pretty creepy, and I swear I don't want to be alone there. But otherwise, things are pretty good, I'm working making sure we have all the ingredients of the salad bar. I'm working where I want to be, in the kitchens, and I'm pretty happy. And that's it for today's post.

The Dentist and Clairvoyance

There's a dentist appointment right around the corner. I generally don't like going to the dentist. They poke you and prod you with their shiny-tipped metal impliments. Then they tell you there's a cavity and to get rid of it there will be needles involved. Shudder. My dentist is one of the better ones, Dr. Franklyn Alexander. What it must take to be a dentist. To want to go into people's sacred places by day and dream that one is the tooth fairy at night. I bet it's the easy money. So many people have cavities nowadays with all the Krispy Kreme donuts (I know, I had two this morning). But this dentist, Mr. Alexander really cares for his patients. He talks to them, while scraping away, when they are in the chair and kindly reads them their dental rights. "You shall try to talk to me while my tools are in your mouth. These will come out as garbled messages which I will disregard. Your right to remain silent is overlooked."
What do I lose out on this? I have to pay the copay for the dentist. That means less money for me, baby. Oh, and those Krispy Kreme donuts... I paid for those, too. Almost 7$ a box, with little heart-shaped doughnuts and football-shaped donuts, but I digress. Just couldn't resist a warm box of doughnuts.
On the other hand, there was some incoming revenue this week, as well. Ten silly little articles all about spiritualist stuff, mediums and clairvoyance. 2$ every 500 words, coming to 20$. And there's that training session tomorrow. The place I'm going to work is "kid grimmy," probably having boogers and snot strewn over every inch of those pipes they climb through. But from now on I can probably quote "experience with children" on my resume. If I'm just working in the kitchens, which I kind of hope I am, then I'll have more food-handling experience. Either way, it's more revenue coming in that I desperately need to pay that old 14,777.99 dollars worth of debt. I haven't even gotten enough to pay the smallest one, 186.59$. So this training session has to go right and I will have a chance to get out of the house and meet people. I can't wait to wear one of those dinky little name tags. Thank god we don't have to wear bling. Or whatever Joanna from Office Space had to wear. Fling. Or...bling. Flair, it was flair.

I Live With My Mom

Well, here's the short of it. I live with my mom. And lately I've been concerned. What if I live out my whole life with my mom. Not going out. Not making friends. Not having any lovers. Not getting married or having kids. I mean, I live with my mom. How degrading do you have to get. A perfectly capable 22-year-old. What am I to do?
Getting stressed out about this cannot be a good step to take. I've already gotten a job, albiet it's at a place where a kid can be a kid. Not exactly grown-up, mature material. It's a job. And maybe there will be people there who don't have kids of their own unlike at my previous place of employment. Everyone asked "Do you have kids?" I felt like laughing at them...at my young age, of course not. But young is in the eye of the beholder. Maybe I should have some kids. What's wrong with me!?
I think that's a question everyone asks at some point in their life. Whether it's wondering why we aren't as athletic as the other third-graders or not as brainy as that Valadictorian, it's something we just can't help expressing to the world. Why am I different, why am I "special."
Often we see ourselves stuck between extremes. Well, I'm not like my dad... but I'm not like my mom, either. So what do we do in situations like this.
Well, I'd like to take time to tell a story about when my family took a family vacation out to Padre Island. We had just started driving on the strip that leads to the island when it starts pouring buckets of rain, buckets. And we just turned on the windshield wipers and kept driving. Then came the hail. And we just kept on driving. It turned out to be a beautiful night on the beach, with threads of lightening coming down from the sky in the distance. We never would have made it if we didn't keep driving. And that's how life is. You just gotta keep driving.

The Tapestry of Life

Our lives are many strings all working in harmony with each other to make the tapestry of human existence. Each individual thread is needed to compliment and make harmony with the rest of the threads of human existence. My thread, I like to imagine, is a silvery multi-colored braided soft cotton thread, marking it's way brightly through the tapestry. Other threads fit snugly next to it, my mom's dark purple strong, yet soft, leather piece, my sister's bright yellow and orange. These individual pieces all have to work together to make one beautiful tapestry, and even if they get a little tangled at times, or sometimes one or another gets cut, there is always a way that the tapestry of humankind makes it through.
I feel that my particular life weaving has been a little small lately. Mostly my mom and I have been spending time with each other and our two doves and the cat. I wake up in the morning and each morning moves like molasses. Comfortable and smooth, I eat my breakfast either of oatmeal or pancakes, then I take a little time to work on a knitting project left lying on the couch. Grey small purse, almost finished. Later I warm my computer up and the old machine starts buzzing and humming like a beehive full of happy bees. A large glass of water placed on my desk to drink during cracks in the writing process along with some crumpled tissues and books from the latest project I'm working on. I apply myself to the projects and check up on my www.43things.com account. Then there's a pause for casual lunch with my mom as she has a break from work. Then writing till evening, with TV shows strewn between.
Thursday is my favorite night: Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy. There's also the new Armed and Famous on CBS, on Tuesday evening. They get in the most unimaginable escapades and almost make me want to be a cop. I appreciate how Trish Stratus really is there for the people and shows the people how to make-up and that little things, which are material, aren't as important as the people themselves. That is impressive to me, because there aren't many cops out there who are just there for the people. They have macho ideas of what it is to be a cop, and it is a tough job. I believe that along with gun training and self-defense, cops should also go through sensitivity training where they learn how too be sensitive to the people around them and be considerate of the people they are aiming to serve. Tiny little thing which can be of no value to the people in authority to give out may mean the world to those under them. Being a police officer should not just be to serve and protect, but also to care.
Their strings shouldn't be wrapped around other strings, strangling them, but set to guide other strings into their proper places. There should be psycological counseling in jails for those who need it, programs put in place to rehabilitate those who are lost in the dregs of society, those who can't make it on their own. That's obviously why they are there. They don't have a social consciousness that the middle and upper class have had installed in them, they don't have the opportunities. We should make a point to give them the opportunities that we have been so graciously given. Take our power and use it for good. I want to fight to expand my small life and work to give other these opportunities. Make the tapestry of life that much brighter.