Almost

Went to look at my pile of debts today, but refrained. The name of the game is ignorance. You just ignore your debts and they go away. At least temporarily. Perhaps not looking at them, keeps you from being so obssessed with them. Although they need to be paid they don't run your life.

Bills don't run your life. They are a part of life and they need to be taken care of like any other aspect, but they are not a huge all-encompassing gargantum creature who will devour you. They are simply an aspect.

That said...I'm only going to be able to pay my psychiatrist's bill and the hospital bill this month. But that's alright. Like I said, I'm pretty happy with the way things are.

Haiku #15

How small the world seems then
Compared to raspberry tea
And ice; I shan't complain.

Writer's Burnout

Writer's burnout is a serious malady complained of in writers. Similar to writer's block it happens when writers write all day and have no fruitful writings.

Symptoms include: dizziness, headache (from pounding head against the wall) hate towards all your writings, a burning sensation. Signs that your writer is suffering this condition are wadded up papers in the trash can and mixed up scribbling on whatever comes in handy: a tissue, napkins, toilet paper, you name it.

If you have writer's burnout, the cure is not to read other's writing as this may encourage a deeper depression than previously described above, but reminiscing in previously published items may help.

Bhutto and Behemoth

Benizar Bhutto is a major player in today's politics representing the Pakistani Peoples Party. In 1988, she became prime minister of Pakistan and promised more rights for women and a socialistic form of government. She served until 1990. She was unable to overcome the conservative forces inparliament, however.

She follows trends recent in America, Bush being the second in office, as her grandfather served as Pakistani prime minister and president in the 1970's. Her mother was also involved in the peoples party.

She won re-election in 1993 and served till 1996, when she was again dismissed from the government on allegations of corruption from her husband, Ali Asif Zardari

Recently she has been contacting the Musharraf government to clear her name. We
will see if the lady, now 52 will become involved in politics again and what role her husband will play, aseveryone's eyes are on Hillary Clinton, watching to see how the power couple interact in her bid for presidential election.

Behemoth...I now have a new schedule. Writing. Each day, a new task dawns: short stories, scholarships, novel writing, looking for online jobs, poetry, and forums. This is my story and I'm sticking to it, like Bhutto sticks to her claim that her husband is innocent. In her case, I would recommend, her husband pull his shenanigans out of her politics.

Shaky Returneth

Yes, I was dubbed "shaky" by myself, as I having no friends which would be interested. Thankfully, I don't measure out my life in coffee spoons. The shakiness has mainly gone away, however, and I'm thankful that the medicaiton was reduced. There's still a little tremor in my hands as they are held out from my body, but I can deal with a little shakiness.

How is paying my debt going?

I'm starting at Chuck E. Cheese this Saturday and Sunday.

And I've been making some egg money by writing articles. Not much by industry standards. $8 yesterday and $18 today, It's not much, but helps convince me I'm a writer and gives me something to keep me busy during the day. Averaged out it's about 3.83 per hour, a sad stipend. Maybe as I gain in speed, this type of writing can become more profitable.

So yeah.

Today it was a trip to the Physchiatrist. First visit after the hospital. I got to tell him about my shaking and loss of motor control. Imagine me, who's lifelihood depends on typing, being unable to type and having my whole body shaking in response to too much medicine. It's the way I feel about my debt. Out of control.

Thankfully we discussed it in full, and having reduced the dose, I feel I have some closure again. Some measure of control. Like with my jobs. Today I had a meeting with the manager and will resume my jobs starting Saturday. This gives me some measure of control over my debts.

I thank and praise God that this is all being worked out according to His plans.

Here I am.

I almost was out of debt, excepting the student loan I need to pay. And I did it again.

Went back to the hospital. There was no reason for it. My mom came in and suggested it and I decided to tag along. My days there were spent in group, realizing my "full potential." I think time would have been better spent at a writer's conference. Eating meals and racking up a bill of $3,100. Insane, I know. Besides that, I've still got a bill of $10,065.42 my greatist bill in student loans. The small fry are $100 to the Outpost Apartments, $113.00 to Dr. Dave, and $45.00 to the Dr. Wolff. That leaves me wiht 13,423.46 in debt.

I've got to get a job. Gave my schedule back to Kroger, so think I'm working there. Also crashed the party at Chunk E. Cheese, they have my doctor's note, maybe I'm going back to work there. They said they'd call me. I'm going to call them. Gotta find out if I'm on the schedule yet.

Anywho, love ya, Christ makes my problems seem all the smaller.

All Day

Today it's been looking at criag's list for a writing gig since 12 this morning. Lots of energy going towards finding an alternative source of income. When looking for writing jobs, don't knock any porential means of income unless you are sure you can't do the job. For example somethng as specific as two years of experience writing sports. You can take that one off the "list."

When looking for part time jobs make sure they are conviently located near your dwelling. This will make driving and even walking more convenient and open up your schedule. This will make traveling back and forth easier. Make sure you get at least one day off to rest and recuperate: this will make you feel better in the long run.

Attention: It's You and Me, Now.

When paying off massive amounts of debt, you may look at yourself and see a horrific monster (personlifying debt) at your side. It's just you and he, this scraggly-toothed demon of the red pen. What can you do but huddle by his side as light, love, and enjoying life are sucked from you, turning your surroundings into an abyss.

How to get out of the red pen area. Hard Work. My plan for getting out of debt are to throw myself into my writing and take up some part time jobs around the area. Just by knocking in a peg hole into the side of the abyss, you take back some of your power over the monster. And you created this mess your in so, don't say you have no power. There is always a way out. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

So don't let your monster have control over your life. It's yours and you can still enjoy it. If you're feeling extremely overwhelmed, just take a crisp, autumnal walk to clear your mind. It's refreshing, and most importantly, free!

Don't forget to love yourself. Work hard, but play hard, too.

The Awakening

We all have a space in time where the impossible becomes the possible and a new theme comes to life within the space of an instant.

We must remember not to forget friends and family in that instant. They are our anchor to reality. To let us forget them is to give away all that ties us to humanity. During the Enlightenment period, many philosophers died to themselves to bring us new information and a new way of doing things. To start picking up souvineers as if we were tourists is a way of connecting ourselves to the new places we've been.

So try a new path, be unregretting about the past, and give in to the dawning of a new day.